Fun Stuff

"Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown

• I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
• "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
• The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
• I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
• I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet
• I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
• I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
• I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones so my people will think I am dying.
• I will not roll on dead seagulls, seals, fish, crabs, etc.
• I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose in her ear.
• I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• I will not bite the nice officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur *before* entering the house.
• I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
• I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
• The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

• Your hairdresser only has to cut the hair on your HEAD.
• You don’t try to bite your hairdresser.
• Your hairdresser doesn’t have to worry about you having fleas or ticks!
• Your hairdresser doesn’t have to shave your feet, including around the nails and in between your toes.
• You don’t repeatedly shake your head very hard while you’re getting your shampoo and soak your hairdresser (and the walls, and the floor, and the customer in the chair next to you…)
• You don’t try to leap off the chair and hang yourself every 5 minutes with no warning whatsoever.
• Anal glands… ‘nuff said!
• You don’t try to lick the razor-sharp scissors every time they’re in front of your face.
• You won’t poop or pee on the chair while getting your hair cut.
• Your hair dresser doesn’t have to hold you up with one arm while she’s cutting your hair.
• You don’t dance around the table while your hair is being trimmed.
• You don’t take a sudden dislike to the hairdryer and try to bite it—or the hairdresser’s hand—as it comes near your head.
  
  ...And these are some of the things your dog groomer happily deals with during most every groom!

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me,” he said. “Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
• Be loyal.
• Never pretend to be something you're not.
• When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
• Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
• Take naps and stretch before rising.
• Run, romp and play daily.
• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
• When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
• No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy up and say- "No, outside! No, outside!!"
17. Call spouse to clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink.
19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and “stay" the first thing in the morning.

1. In the bowl. (A good foundation, but important to supplement with other groups.)
2. Off the table. (Most varied group, but best eaten when no one is looking.)
3. On the floor. (A nutritious way to snack between meals.)
4. Grass - taken at least once a day to enable vomit activity. (Vomit activity best engaged in while resting head on caretaker's lap.)
5. Poop. (At least once a day for overall digestive happiness. May be taken topically via rolling in it.) Best if eaten immediately after production. Be sure to lick owner in face after ingestion.

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.